Several years have slipped by since I first penned a letter to my younger self concerning foster care. (Read here.) During that six year period, I have had many people in the process of foster care certification ask me what I wish I had known when embarking on this journey.
What do I wish I had known?
I wish that I viewed behavior not as defiance, but as a means to communicate hurt and reactions to trauma that words would not allow. Our experience in both foster care and adoption has been with children three and under thus far. These little people cannot process or communicate the feelings that are ripping their hearts apart or causing them anger and anxiety. In truth, I cannot always put words or awareness to the many emotions and reactions that I have or have had in this process. In fact, I attended a Q & A foster care panel last evening and found myself with tears streaming down my cheeks as the panel approached their seats. They hadn’t even spoken a word! These last six years of foster care and adoption have been emotionally draining; not only the process, but the relearning how to parent children that have faced loss so early in life. Behaviors convey more than defiance.
I wish I read books not required by our foster licensing, but recommended by fellow foster and adoptive parents. Our foster training was a three hour course once a week over 10 weeks. Each week we met and were lectured on the expectations of foster parents as well as some scenarios that we could expect. We completed homework assignments and filled out heaps of paperwork. Sadly, we were not equipped to deal with practical everyday behaviors, only instructed in what not to do. I am sure that some insight was given, but overall we were poorly furnished with processes to ensure meeting our children’s behavioral challenges with meaningful measures. For instance, time outs, punishments, and taking away of toys or favored items does not work with children going through such trauma. Here are a few resources that I am currently finishing up, revisiting, or reading for the first time. (The last book I have not read yet, but comes recommended by fellow foster/adoptive parents.) A little warning, The Connected Child has wonderful step by step guides, however, this book frequently presents the worst case scenario. Please don’t be put off by this as I was! I have attempted to read this book on three occasions because of this, but have recently come to the final chapters and will reference it again as needed. It is a valuable resource!
I wish I embraced foster community earlier on. Foster care and adoption waters can feel like uncharted territory and lonely shores if we don’t embrace and seek out fellowship with other foster families and prayer from our friends in the faith. Seek prayer and shoulders to lean on. I know we could not have made it in this journey, nor continue to fight the good fight as well as our fervent attempts, apart from the prayers of our fellow foster/adoptive parents and faithful friends and family. Only the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit know every hurt and hurdle we and our families face, but the Body of Christ provides prayer and provisions when we most need them and often when we least expect them. Don’t go this journey alone. We were made for community.
I wish I knew this was a family affair. When you as a married couple, or a single adult, step out in obedience to welcome a child or teen into your home, you are making this decision for the other children in your home, your extended family, your church body, and your friends. I’ve stated this in a previous post, but our two oldest children have fully embraced the foster and adoptive lifestyle and they are richer for it! It has been painful and confusing at times as they abruptly said good bye to their foster brother of 13 months, or as they watched and waited for our youngest son to transition into our home and then months later be legally adopted. Additionally, as they have watched us endure different trials or legal setbacks in our adoption of our youngest daughter. With each child they have had a front row seat as their mother and father, although I credit Ron handling his emotions far better than myself, strain under the stress of advocating for what is best and patiently trusting the system and the sovereignty of God to work the slow wheels of justice in our court system. We knew this was a family decision, but we could never have anticipated what a great impact our decision would make on the children already given to us by God, our extended family, and our church family.
Finally, I leave you with several fictional, middle grade to young adult books that adequately and artfully portray what may be on inside the hearts and minds of children in foster care while simultaneously providing a picture of outward behaviors. These books will help you step into the shoes of children that may look like a child whose heart and face you have not encountered yet, but who is waiting for you on the other side of your family’s obedience.
*Parent warning: The next two books contain a character (the foster mom) which alludes to a previous homosexual lifestyle. I am not recommending you read these to your children, but rather you read them for your own understanding of how your foster child is processing their feelings and the road to establishing a healthy connection.
Do you have books to add to this list? What do you wish you had known as a first time foster parent?
Faithfully walk where God leads,
Purchase my book, Thirty Balloons: An Adoption Tale, on Amazon.
